Effective Communication With Fiona Redding – Episode 51

Welcome to another captivating episode of The Resonate Podcast with Aideen! Today, we’re joined by Fiona Redding, a mindset mentor and the founder of The Happiness Hunter Podcast. In our conversation, Fiona shares invaluable insights on the value of support along our life journey and the transformative power of expressing vulnerability and authenticity. We explore overcoming the need for approval and delving into deeper issues, emphasizing the importance of honesty in our interactions. Fiona encourages us to embrace our fears, take risks, and lean on support systems for transformation. We also discuss the significance of expressing emotions like anger and the role of effective communication in fostering connection. Finally, Fiona shares wisdom on the power of self-reflection, trusting our intuition, and finding our own unique path to fulfillment. Join us for an enlightening discussion on navigating life’s challenges with courage and authenticity.

Fiona Redding is a mindset mentor, author and speaker, and founder of The Happiness Hunter, who is on a mission to help you create a happier, more balanced, connected, meaningful, fulfilling and abundant life. She hosts The Happiness Hunter podcast and has just released her second book- It Is Possible: letting go of who you think you are, to create the life of your dreams. She shares life (and business) changing tools and strategies, including how making your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social wellbeing the priority will lead to success in every area of your life, stepping you through the process to clear the clutter and to live the life of your dreams. Highly engaging and deeply thought provoking, Fiona shares her knowledge and experience in an open-hearted, kind and grounded way (while pulling no punches) and will leave you feeling motivated and inspired to take some action to create some deep shifts in your own life (and business) too.

Connect with Fiona:

Website: thehappinesshunter.com

Email: [email protected]

Instagram: @thehappihunter

Facebook: @thehappihunter

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/fionaredding

00:02 Welcome to the Resonate podcast. I’m Aideen and my guest today, Fiona Redding, is joining us all the way from Melbourne, Australia. Hi, Fiona. Hey Aideen, how are you? I’m great. Let me tell everyone a little bit about you and then we’ll get going. Fiona Redding is a mindset mentor, an author and speaker. She’s the founder of The Happiness Hunter and is she’s on a mission to help you create a happier, more balanced, connected, meaningful…

00:30 fulfilling and abundant life. She hosts the Happiness Hunter podcast and has just released her second book, It Is Possible, Letting Go of Who You Think You Are to Create the Life of Your Dreams. You’ve been very busy, Fiona. Yes, yes. Good busy, good busy. Yeah, productive I would say is probably a better word than busy. Yeah. Tell us a little bit about how you found your voice in creating this very unique, you know,

00:59 mission-driven business? So I sort of fell into my business by accident because I had been unable to kind of re-enter the workforce in any meaningful capacity. And so I had to look at how I could match  my skillset to self-employment. And I created a business then that was about business consulting, going in to help businesses with their strategies, with their systems, with their processes, and really helping them create a business that…

01:29 worked properly and that was my background. And then I had an experience in my own life where everything in my world imploded very, very quickly in a very short space of time. And I found myself having to literally rebuild my life from the ground up, from the inside out, from the ground up. And so the business that I was doing, I actually started working with those clients more around the stuff that I was learning about turning my own life around. And that was kind of where the happiness hunter came from.

01:59 And so over the years, I’ve had to find my voice to be able to communicate what it is that I’m doing, but also to be able to articulate the value of what I’m doing and to help people understand why it’s important to do this work, but also then further along the track to being able to help people, not just market to people, but also help people make the decision to pay, to work with me, to sell, to learn how to sell basically, and then learn how to…

02:28 deliver the program, learn how to deal with challenges that you might be having with clients and learn how to ask for testimonials, et cetera. That’s in the business. But then in my personal life, I had gone through a separation and having to learn how to communicate effectively with somebody who at that time, I had a real problem with, a lot of challenges with, and how do I create a positive relationship with that person that’s gonna be a great role for both of us to be great role models for our kids.

02:57 my relationship, communicating with myself, all of those different things. So I think over the last 10 years or so, I’ve had to learn how to communicate in a way that I had never had to do before in my life. You know, it’s in those crucial moments that we have to up our game. It’s like we don’t actually do it until we are forced to often. So, but what a lot of people don’t realize is they don’t need to do that completely alone.

03:27 And what you were saying about, you know, having to convince people of the value of taking that journey and getting some support on that journey. I think that’s really important. And it doesn’t, it’s not always someone that you pay, but we, we actually hold our problems in a little bit more than we probably should. We’re afraid to express anything negative. We don’t want to drag people into our problems. You know, it’s, it’s a fine line between, you know, getting on with it.

03:56 and, you know, making the most of your situation versus, you know, reaching out and, you know, being vulnerable and allowing, you know, others to help us. I think also too with that as well is that it’s, it’s about being honest and it’s very hard for us to be honest. Like we don’t want to admit that we…

04:18 are this thing or we have these thoughts or we feel this way, if we’re even aware of the fact that we’re having those thoughts or feeling those things. I mean, a lot of the time, we’re completely suppressed. We’re not even aware of what’s going on. The only thing that can show us what’s actually going on for us within is actually what’s going on in the external world around us, in terms of the experiences that we’re having and the interactions with people and what we’re kind of attracting and what we’re experiencing in the external world will tell us what’s going on inside.

04:48 But I think with communication, the really the fundamental thing to remember with that is that communication, good communication comes through good communication with yourself. So that self awareness, self understanding, self knowledge, that being able to truly communicate with yourself, you know, what am I thinking here? Or how am I actually really feeling about this?

05:11 being able to kind of be honest with yourself about that, but then being able to share that with other people and not being scared of judgment or shame or any kind of pushback from that, because you’ve reconciled within yourself that this is the human experience and everybody struggles with various things. And if I can be honest about that, not only am I going to help relieve myself of the burden of that.

05:37 but my honest sharing, my vulnerable sharing of myself with another person actually enhances the relationship with that person. If you think about, honestly, when you are genuinely, honestly communicating with a person properly, like from your heart, not from the blame and the game, but actually just this is how I’m feeling about something. It’s like something shifts in that energy, like it becomes stiller and you’re connected to something in that other person

06:07 forces them almost against their will to have to stop and take to listen, to take note, because you’re speaking to them properly. You’re communicating properly. And proper communication doesn’t mean it’s all sunshine and roses. It means this is where I’m at right now and I want to share that with you. Yeah, so is that coming from then, from your own perspective? So when we’re not doing any blaming, we’re just, we’re kind of coming from my internal feeling is this.

06:37 And I’m just letting you know how I actually am right in this moment. Um, in a way that isn’t, um, kind of demanding an answer or demanding a solution of any kind. No. And my kids had a keto instructor called Kieran once years ago, and we were in the dojo and at the end of the class, they used to sit around and do a reflection. And they really encouraged the parents to come and sit in this circle. It was a wonderful, wonderful thing. Like I learned a lot from, I learned.

07:06 a lot from being a parent-participator in that dojo, out of the mouths of babes kind of thing. But Kieran had this one thing that he’d shared with the kids in the class and obviously in other classes and one of the kids raised it in this session. But basically a really good way to be able to communicate with another person properly, properly about how you’re feeling is when you or when this, so when something happens, I feel because I. So,

07:35 when you speak to me like that, I actually feel really annoyed because I feel like you’re not listening to me or whatever, right? So you’re taking responsibility. What you choose to do with that is on you. But when you’re having this very proper, it’s effective communication, it’s active communication, it’s active, proper communicating, not blaming, taking responsibility, I’m feeling like this. These are my feelings, but they were triggered by this event happening.

08:05 I’m not blaming you, I’m just saying this is what happened. You then have an opportunity to respond to that. And generally what happens when we’re all calm and we’re all able to genuinely try and listen and understand and want to resolve that with and for the other person, you respond in a different way. So you’re not throwing it back. You’re not going, oh, I do that because you do this. It’s like, okay, I hear what you said.

08:31 When you don’t tidy your room, Fiona, it makes me very frustrated because I’ve asked you 15 times and we’ve got people coming over today. So can you answer this? Is this your mom talking to you now? No, do you know what I mean? It’s whatever, but remember also too, every time we’re in any situation, automatically we’re going back to our mom speaking to us or our dad speaking to us, because that’s our program was formed in childhood. And that’s the lens through which we see every situation. So we can be 50 and in a marriage and still behaving like the three and four year old.

09:00 that we were, you know, how we reacted at that stage until we’ve kind of understood that’s my program and I have to be aware so that I don’t just unconsciously react to everything in life like that. But until we start communicating properly, we don’t understand what we’re doing. No, and as Wally, what you said there was, we’re sometimes just not aware and we’re not being honest with ourselves. So this came up for me Fiona recently. I decided that my business needed to shift gears and I needed to.

09:29 let people know a little more about the spiritual side of what I do and mantra meditation. And I said, OK, I’m going to do this new page on my website. And I made it look beautiful. And my dad texted me later that day or something. And a thought came into my head, what would my dad think of this? And then I realized, I don’t care. I don’t mind what he thinks. And I was like, I must have been all the way up along with my business up till now.

09:59 And even now, I have to be careful of this. Somehow I was raiding my, what I was willing to do within my business, what kinds of ways I was willing to promote myself, what kinds of offers I was going to put out by whether or not my dad would approve or not. Isn’t that mad? And I did not know that that was going on until I realized it wasn’t going on anymore. But the.

10:25 That’s fantastic, but the thing that we’ve got to watch is it probably still is going on. What happens is it’s just gone to a different level, yeah. So it’s because that’s your program. So if you are not consciously aware in each and every moment, everything that you’re doing, and let’s just remove your dad, you’re waiting for someone else’s approval. Like it’s like to move forward, I’m kind of waiting for someone else’s approval. So what happens is that dad might disappear.

10:53 but somebody else will probably step in to fill that place. Okay, so the deeper thing, this is what you’re so good at, Fiona. So rather than just looking at the surface, you’re looking deeper at what is that thing that was going on and it was waiting for approval. And yeah, I’m going to do some work on that one. That’s, but I think we all are in some shape, like often, right? Yeah, but like, who are we waiting for approval from? Like, it’s like.

11:23 That person over there is so busy doing, and if they’ve got a problem with what I’m doing, it’s really interesting. This work is so interesting too, I think where we actually really do explore because it’s really easy for us to say, oh, I feel better now. That’s tick, resolved, move on. That’s the work of the ego. That is the work of the ego. And this is why we need to be very aware all the time because the further along the path we go, the more cunning the ego becomes. And…

11:52 or have you living in the illusion of, I’ve healed it all and I fixed it all? Yeah. There’s just another level and another level. So then you skate along at this service for a bit and then you have this another awakening and you go, oh my gosh, the last 12 months it’s like I’ve just slept walk through them. But you felt like you weren’t sleepwalking but then there’s this new kind of epiphany of awakening. This is the process and that’s okay. Like that’s the process. It’s, we can’t get rid of all this stuff every in one second. It’s like a lifetime’s journey.

12:19 But the more we are putting ourselves out there and challenging ourselves, the more we are going to have the opportunity to go, actually, hang on a minute. I don’t actually really care what that person thinks. I don’t really, it doesn’t really matter. And the more you can give yourself permission to do that, you’ll see the results in the outside world. Like you’re not just gonna feel them internally. You’ll start to see them manifest, but you’ve got to feel them internally for a period of time.

12:45 for it to kind of show up for you in the external world because you’ve been doing the other way for such a long time. It’s like Abraham talks about this idea of you’re going in a train 100 miles an hour in one direction. You don’t just start going 100 miles an hour in the other direction straight away. Like you’ve got the train has to slow down, it’s got to stop, and the driver’s got to come out, go to the other carriage, start driving, picking up speed, going back the other way. So we do need to keep going. But it’s the thing is if you can…

13:13 it’s not just about waiting for your dad’s approval. It’s about choosing to see it differently, incompletely and go, my dad just wants me to be happy. My dad just loves me. My dad is so proud of me. My dad is so whatever. Yeah. Start planting those thoughts instead, because while you’re going, oh, I don’t need his approval anymore. It’s like there’s still that approval story going on.

13:38 But if you can go, okay, I had this experience with my dad where I realized I was waiting for his approval. How about I just spend some more time here with my dad and completely rewire that whole thing, that whole story here. That’s when you’re going to heal it and not have the problem in other areas. Yeah, so going right down into it. Right down into it. And he’s a gift, he hasn’t done anything. You decided to make that story up.

14:05 Whether your dad did or didn’t do it is not the point. You are the one that decided to adopt that story and to go, well, I have to play small because, or I can’t do this because it might upset somebody else. It’s like, that’s just a reason and an excuse. But actually, if we just remove the dad from it, it’s like, what are you so afraid of? I love that. Like, what are you so afraid of?

14:27 So. I could make a list of things I’m afraid of, but I’m not gonna do that right now. No, but this is what I mean. It’s like taking that thing where you’ve got this, I don’t need my dad’s approval. Okay, now I’m gonna really explore that. I’m not just gonna go tick and move on. Yeah, actually, interestingly, I did make a list of things I’m afraid of last night because I was reading a book.

14:50 And it suggested this idea, you know, I’ve done this a few times before, but I obviously need to keep doing it, like you said, it doesn’t go away completely. And it was really, really eye-opening because I’m changing right now. It’s like a lot of those older, like that way that the stuff that was holding me back has reared its head again. Well, because I’m a little unsure about what I’m doing next. And if we want to up our game in life,

15:18 If we want to keep transforming ourselves, we’re going to keep hitting, this is a new zone. And then the old stuff comes back. And that’s when having someone on your side that that actually knows you, that maybe knows the stuff that you’ve tend to tell yourself or the samsara, as they’d call it in yoga. You know, the way that your neural pathways tend to run. If you have someone on your side that can see that in you, that must be really beneficial. So do you find your clients?

15:47 are more willing to take risks then than they would have been before? Oh, yeah, it’s I’ll give you a really good example of this. So I work with I work with people. And this has been something that I’ve struggled with over the years as well, because that’s my niche, right? My niche is helping people be happier. So I work with C level execs. I work with entrepreneurs. I work with stay at home moms. I work with retired people. I work with women. I work with men. My oldest client’s been 83. My youngest client’s been 26. And

16:16 I’ve had to really stick with that. It’s been really challenging. And I’m sure that it is in some ways inhibited the growth of my business because I haven’t gone niche, but it’s a long, this is my life’s work, right? This is a long-term thing for me. It’s not, yes, it’s done through the vehicle of a business, but it’s actually not about, if that makes any sense. And it’s taken me a long time to really reconcile that and to tap into that true power within that actually eradicates the fear. Like…

16:44 the fear disappears because you understand the true illusion of the fear. Yeah. And so because I am understand, I’m not saying I understand it fully, but I understand it far more deeply than I did two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I didn’t even understand it, didn’t even know about it. I ran a retreat in August, and two of the women that came on that had done the steps for change with me. So they’d done my six week program and they’d come on this retreat. And both of them were employees.

17:14 really unhappy, right? Like just, just hated their work. Both of them, you know, complained about it a lot. Just didn’t like the, didn’t enjoy the work, didn’t enjoy the hours, felt like they were being, you know, used, abused, you know, taken advantage of, whatever. Still there because they were too scared to leave because of money, because of this, because you know, practical, real stuff, right? And you know, I’m very direct in my approach with my clients because to me, that’s the most loving action a person can.

17:42 I can give a person is actually like, let’s just not beat around the bush here, is actually, let’s just call the spade, spade, right? With love, let’s just get as directly to that thing as we can, that’s how we can kind of heal it. Anyway, both of these women at that moment in time, we’d really annoyed, angry, stressed, everything about their job. And I put my head in a box.

18:09 Like literally there’s a box next to the fireplace. I picked this and I said, this is what you guys are like. You’re just in this box. You can’t see the way out because you’re so boxed in by your thinking. Like your thinking has the way you are communicating with yourself about this way, you’re thinking about this, the way you’re seeing you’re in a box. Both of them, one of them has actually just taken a package from work. She doesn’t know what she’s gonna do next. And the other one has just got a new job, which is better job, more pay.

18:38 Blah, blah, blah. Like within three months. Whoa, amazing. Because like when we can really be honest and call ourselves and I, you know, I just say, just be honest with me about hair filling. You’re not in trouble, but you have to tell me if you’re angry, if you’re annoyed, if you’re whatever. When I’m working with people, I’ll say to them, at some point in this time we’re working together, you are going to hate my guts. I need you to be keeping talking to me. Tell me why you hate me, what you’re saying in me that you absolutely hate.

19:06 It’s my job to highlight that within you. It’s my job to challenge your thinking. And as we do that, if you can bear with that process, because it’s nothing about me, I know, if you’re hating me, it’s nothing to do with me. I like myself. If you’ve got a problem with me, it’s your problem, but I’m here to help you with that problem. And sometimes I’m going to be that problem because I’m the one highlighting it for you. And so when you can build that level of trust with people where they can tell me,

19:35 Absolutely as honestly as they possibly can, which is probably five percent honest, because we just cannot speak properly about what we are struggling with. Then we can kind of get somewhere. Yeah, yeah, it is it is about making some the truth scene in some way, shape or form. I mean, I know hands up, I can have a lot of internal anger and I don’t anyone about it. And it’s like I

20:03 If I realize something later on, I’ll be like, oh, that was because I was angry. It’s all later on. I don’t want to waste a year when you could get a result in three months. Wouldn’t that be nice that they got a result within such a short time? The thing is this hidden anger, right? I’m not angry. I’m a nice person, right? I don’t get angry. I’m not judgmental, you know, but that person is just such a bitch or such whatever. All right, that’s judgment. And this idea that you’re not angry, like

20:32 Come on, like we all get angry, but look, I’m such a nice person and I don’t get angry. But my teacher talks about this idea called tanking, right? It’s so cool, right? So basically we’ve got expressers, we’ve got people that express, right? They have no problem telling you what they’re thinking or feeling. And then we have people who are suppressors, who have no ability. They don’t even know what they’re, they don’t even know what they’re thinking or feeling. They’ve completely suppressed it.

21:00 Now, expressors aren’t necessarily honest communicators. They just have no filter and they don’t care about who they hurt on the way out. Right? They just, it’s, I’m feeling this and you all have to know, right? Or we have a suppressor. So there’s a whole lot of aspects of playing to this about personality types and all the rest of that as well. But basically what happens is an expressor tanks someone through their energy coming out of their mouth.

21:28 So it’s like we connected with a cord, so that, or that pipe, right? So that pipe is connecting me to you. Now, if I’m verbally spraying on you, you’re going to feel that energy, right? You’re gonna hear it, you’re gonna experience it. If I’m a suppressor, I’m still sending you all of that lovely stuff, but it’s hidden. So you’re still feeling my rage and my…

21:55 disappointment and my disgust and all of that. I might not be saying it. I might have a nice smile on my face and you know, I’m a good person, I’m a kind person, I’m a lovely person, but what’s going on within is a completely different story. And this is where we need to be honest with ourselves about what is really going on inside. I’m actually feeling quite agitated now, or actually I felt like that felt like he kicked my guts, or I’m feeling irritated, or I’m feeling like, like I’m gonna, I’m seething, or there’s, you know.

22:24 I’ve got to be honest about that. Okay, something’s triggered me. I can’t blame that external thing for triggering me, but I can accept that I’m feeling really triggered right now. Aideen, when you spoke to me like that, or Aideen, I’m sensing that you’re feeling a bit frustrated today, is everything okay? And then you go, no, everything’s fine, seething. So you haven’t taken that opportunity to be honest. So what kind of, if you’re angry, but not being honest about it, because either you don’t know, or you don’t want to admit it, what, and…

22:52 everything that we’re admitting of vibrational frequency, whether we’re speaking it out loud or not, we are that. So remember, we are, we are what we are. You’re gonna be attracting angry experiences and angry people and cars breaking down and things not working and then more reasons to kind of give you more anger. So until you can be aware in that moment, I’m actually feeling really angry. Let me just collect myself here and be honest with myself, get my journal out, go and talk to someone, be honest.

23:21 I’m going to keep experiencing more things to keep feeding this anger. Yep. So I remember when my flatmate, I think I’ve said this in the podcast before. One of my flatmates said to me one day, Hey that really hurt my feelings. And I was like, what? Because in my family, you knew you hurt someone’s feelings when they slammed the door on the way out. So that was a big change for me. That was when I was working in Dublin.

23:48 And it really meant so much to me because she taught me that it was okay to say something like that. Do you see the difference? But do you see the difference there when I said when someone communicates with you properly, right? They don’t have to be able to… You heard it differently. Now, if she had just gone out and slammed the door, oh, she’s a bad man, she’s got a bad mood, bad attitude, whatever. The exact same feeling. You take it to a different place. I’m angry.

24:18 actually hang on a minute. It really upset me when you just said that. And then you go, oh, I’m so sorry. Most people would say, I’m so sorry. Sometimes you’re gonna react back and go, oh, well you did this. But if we’ve got one person in that communication that’s got some sense of mind, like some presence, they’ll go, okay, they’re just reacting. It’s okay, I don’t need to react back because it’s tit for tat and this game never ends.

24:44 Yeah, and it can happen even in emails. I remember someone responded to me after an email and was like, you could feel it, like you said. It didn’t, like I could tell that this person was really annoyed at me. I didn’t go to his meeting and da da da. And I wanted a different email to be used for communication. And I was just really matter of fact in my email. I did not go, hey, I’m so sorry that you’re, could you please, I didn’t do any of that. I was just like, I’d like you to use this email in the future, please, you know, that was it.

25:12 And when he responded the way he did, I actually took a minute to go, what’s going on here? I had to think about how I would respond. And in the end, I went with, are you okay? You wouldn’t normally react so strongly to something that I said, you know, sorry, you know, or I didn’t know if I don’t even think I said sorry, because I hadn’t really done anything too terrible, but I did say, are you okay? And that really, then he had the opportunity to come back to me and say,

25:39 Oh, I was a bit snarky in that email. Sorry about that. And it was actually this great moment, like you said, when you do become honest with someone, you connect with them and they know that it’s safe for them to be themselves with you and that you can have this really rich, truthful, emotional, if it’s going to be emotional, but real connection with someone. Correct. And it’s not about being right and it’s not about proving the other person wrong. It’s about you going, I’m gonna…

26:09 I’m just, okay, this things come at me and I felt it hit me, right? Now I’ve got a choice how I respond to that. I can react with the same energy and hit them back and I’m gonna get hit back again and hit back and hit back and hit back from everywhere cause that’s what I’m creating cause and effect. Or I can actually just take a moment and go, the way that person’s written that actually indicates to me that they may be they’re feeling a bit angry or they’re feeling a bit of something. Like that’s not a genuinely like

26:38 in this kind of setting an appropriate way to communicate. There’s obviously something going on for that person right now. Let me just extend them a little bit of grace because they’ve completely overreacted to this situation. And you’re making a whole lot of assumptions here, by the way, but that’s okay because it’s a better way to do that. Let’s just assume that for the good rather than negative. We have to make an assumption here. Maybe they’re not okay. Let me just reach out and ask that person if they are okay. And

27:07 in doing that exactly like you said, it’s like that it disappears, and it completely dissolves that problem. There is no problem because the only problem is there’s two people that want to be right or you’ve hurt my feelings and you’re responsible for my feelings, you’re responsible for your feelings and I’m responsible for mine. And I can say as a boundary, as a loving boundary, please don’t speak to me like that. It really upsets me. Yeah.

27:37 Yeah, that would be another way to, to go into it. What about when, so probably speaking for myself here, what about when you’re angry at yourself or angry, angry at circumstances, you’re not pushing that anger to anyone else and it’s something that you might feel uncomfortable with. You don’t really want to talk about, you don’t really want to think about and what would you suggest to a client who has that going on? So to me, you don’t want to be pushing it to anybody else, but you’re

28:07 with that anger. Really? No. I mean, yes, I guess so. That’s what you’re going to get. You’re going to attract more angry thoughts. You’re going to attract more angry feelings. You’re going to attract more angry, angry, angry. There’s a thing I don’t know if I’ve shared with you before called the big guns, the big guns, life-changing. Okay, so the first thing is we need to have awareness. Oh, I’m feeling really angry, annoyed with myself, disappointed with myself, should have done this, and should have done that, whatever.

28:37 Okay, I’m just going to accept it. I’m going to accept it. I’m going to stop having a conversation with myself about it. Is I’m feeling really angry with myself because I did this or that happened or whatever, or I didn’t do this. And you know, I’m angry with myself. I’m angry. Okay, I’m angry. Oh, oh, okay. I’m angry. I’m just going to accept this anger. Maybe I might get my journal out. Maybe I might just go, oh, okay.

29:00 If I’ve got anger going on, maybe there’s something again, like with your dad, it’s nothing to do with your dad. What’s actually going on underneath, underneath, underneath and just unpack it because there’ll be a kernel of something there if you have the courage to look. Yeah. So we only, we don’t go looking for stuff, just to go looking stuff. We go, there is an obstacle in front of me. I’ve got a challenge here with this particular thing. My anger, let’s name it. My anger, I have anger. Okay, I’m gonna accept it. And then.

29:29 I’m going to forgive myself. I’m going to forgive myself for being angry. I’m going to forgive myself for the thing that I think I said or did or didn’t do or whatever. I’m going to draw my attention or my focus back to this present moment, accept it. I’m going to forgive myself for being here. I’m here, okay. What does giving myself a hard time or anything being angry for one second longer serve, it’s just going to take me into the next present moment, angry, whatever.

29:59 What would it feel like to just drop it here? What would it feel like to just say, OK, I can be angry or I can not be angry or I could just go, how about I use that as the contrast?

30:13 for what I do want and go, I don’t want that. I don’t want to be angry anymore, but what would it feel like? It’s not feel like angry. And you can just genuinely, genuinely, really gently start to ease yourself out of that feeling, not denying it, not repressing it, not wishing it wasn’t there, being totally honest with it, accepting it. I’m an angry person. Oh, okay. I remember the moment when I actually accepted I was an angry person. It was really life-changing. That’s how I actually am really angry. I get angry a lot.

30:42 Like I’m often angry and really judging, judging myself and other people. And that awareness, proper awareness, not because this thing happened when I was eight. It’s like we will find a reason for anything, honestly. Like we will convince ourselves of anything. All we got to do is accept it in this present moment. In this present moment, like with your website, I’m actually really worried about what other people think about me. Okay, well, what am I afraid of?

31:10 they’re going to think I’m a fraud, that they’re going to think I’m a whatever, that I don’t believe in myself. Because really, honestly, when you believe in yourself, you don’t have any of those, those thoughts don’t exist anymore.

31:23 So it’s telling you you’re not believing in yourself, ultimately. So what do you need to do to prove to yourself to believe in yourself? Well, you’re still here, you’ve been going for five years, 10 years, whatever, you’ve done this, you’ve done that, rah rah rah. Well, that person’s successful because they just decided to be successful and they went for it. They didn’t stop and go, oh, what will that person think? Oh, let them think that. But then going back to that point about

31:48 being in the present moment is actually then we really, the most important thing in a way is to focus on the gratitude and the appreciation and the thankfulness in this moment now, and because that’s the energy we really want to be stepping into. But we have to be honest and meet ourselves where we’re at and forgive ourselves for being there.

32:09 accept it, forgive ourselves and then be really grateful. It’s like fantastic. This is a fresh moment. Look at all of this new data, this new information I’ve got about myself that I can actually harness in a really positive way to move forward from here and not have to keep making that same mistake again. Yeah. And I was just thinking how even if I said to myself the way I was able to say to my friend who sent the email and just go, Aideen, are you okay? To myself, that would be because if it’s we’re rushing.

32:37 We know when I’ve been, you know, focused on taking lots of action and, you know, taking action gets us to where we need to be. But if we’re taking action and it’s building up this, you know, anger, because you’re not seeing results as quickly as you’d like or anything like that. It’s so important to take that foot off the, you know, off the pedal and, and check in. So that’s my, I’m going to, I’m going to start doing that. Aideen, are you okay? Are you okay? MC. Am I okay? Yeah.

33:06 Yeah, like be your best, like be your own cheerleader, be your best friend. But have you heard of this term of oscillation? Well, I understand what it means in terms of like a movement. Yeah. So it’s just like, okay, the further out you go, the further you have to rest. The further you rest, the further out you go. So I always know, like when I’m not good, like I’m really struggling and I’m really coming up against myself, I’ll stop everything and I just walk and meditate.

33:35 And if I need to do that for two or three days, I don’t care. And then I come back and I’ve regrouped and I’m like, right, clear, focus. This is what I’m here to do. I’m back on my mission. And I’ll often have said to myself, if I meant to go and get a job, I’ll go and get a job, I will go and get a job. And then I take time, like proper time, proper time away. And I never need to go. It’s I’ve never ever felt like I need to go and get a job, but that’s my.

34:02 going, this is too hard, I don’t want to do it. It’s like, but what else am I going to do? Like, what else, what else am I going to do? Yeah. And there are cases, yeah. There are cases where you have a certain skill set, certain value system and a certain mission that won’t fit in with anybody else’s plan or you’d be using only a portion of what you’re capable of in a job. And at that moment, sometimes working for yourself or working in partnership.

34:31 with someone else who’s on the same wavelength can be really valuable. It’s been one of the best personal development journeys I’ve ever been on, running my own business. But you have to believe in yourself. Yeah. And when you do, and you know, I have a really strong faith as well, that’s kind of developed and evolved over the years. So for me, it’s really about, you know, faith and trust in that.

34:58 And your guides or your guidance or your intuition. Whatever you call it. And then, faith and trust in myself. But we do need to be really careful with this. And I see this happening all the time.

35:14 The guides are often our ego.

35:21 I’ve got the guidance. It’s like.

35:25 From where? Like the ego will manipulate anything. That’s where we need that reflection. We need to be able to bounce it off someone and see what the, you know, what it is we really, really need to do. I think that it’s very true. We can.

35:44 think we know the right thing to do. But as soon as you get what you said earlier was so fantastic. The feedback is what’s happening in your actual world. You know, when you go down a path and you thought it was the right thing to do, but it’s actually creating chaos or it’s creating no clients or whatever it might be. That’s very practical, actual, you know, warning signs that you need to take a slightly different approach. And I believe that we are all meant to help each other. You know, that’s what, you know.

36:14 friends are four and I just, I know myself, I can get a little, I can pull myself back and I see my husband doing it from time to time too. It’s like, oh, things are going well and I retreat. And sometimes the best way to do it is to lean in, to get the support you need, to call the happiness hunter and start your path in a different direction. Yeah, you know, we have to be able to adjust what we thought might have been the right thing.

36:44 when we notice that it isn’t working. I was really wanting to go back to Ireland for the last three years. Now I’m okay. I’m actually happy here. Yay. So. It’s so good. Yeah, it’s amazing because it’s like my neural pathway was Ireland is where I want to be. And now I’m starting to really embrace the possibilities of where I am. But like that took, took me some time to really accept, accept it. So we’re all on that journey and it isn’t bad.

37:13 It isn’t wrong like that. Yeah, we are gonna be winding things up now in a second. But the great thing is that we don’t have to do it alone. No, and also too, we can convince ourselves of anything.

37:34 good, bad, indifferent, we can convince ourselves of anything. The problem is that we believe it. Yeah. Well, Fiona, it’s been absolutely amazing having you on the podcast today. We’ve had so much of it and so much interesting stuff to talk about. I’ve learned something. I’m like, where’s Fiona now? Her email, she’s on my list, people to get, to get help from. Um, so wanted to come back to the, the phrase that the guy, the dojo, Kieron told the kids to say when this happened. When you.

38:04 When you, or this happened, when you. Yeah, when you. So you can, when you, you, when you did this, I felt, when you, I feel, because I. So you’re bringing it back. You’re saying something happened involving you, but I care about my relationship with you, so I need to express that to you. I can’t, I’m not gonna pretend it’s not happening because that’s just gonna build resentment. Yeah. Right? We don’t want that. We want, you’re not aware of where you’re annoying. I’m not aware of where I’m annoying. I think.

38:33 What I do is normal, but it’s super annoying to other people. And if they don’t draw that to my attention, then how can I do anything about it? Yes, it’s actually more kind to let someone know. I know that’s plenty of times where I won’t tell someone because either it’s not a relationship I want to invest that time in, or I don’t think that it’s important in some way. It’s only when you really care about that relationship that you’re willing to.

39:02 let someone really know how you feel. And I think that’s the gem. Um, there’s loads of gems today, but, um, I think that’s one gem that I’d love for our listeners to really, to, um, to practice that little phrase, like when this or when I, I felt, or I feel because of this. And, and it’s one more thing I wanted to say on that as well, is that there’s been a couple of times over the years where I’ve known I’ve needed to speak, like it’s almost like

39:28 because I’m a suppressor, but it’s like this thing comes out of me. It’s like, I have to talk. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but this has to come out. One of these situations was in relation to my kid’s dad, my ex, and we’ve struggled. We’re really good now, but we have struggled over the years. And part of the reason how our relationship vastly improved was because of this one conversation I had with him one day where something had happened and nobody had done anything wrong, but I just couldn’t.

39:54 not say anything and normally I would keep my mouth shut and you know, keep the peace, not keeping the peace, but keep the peace, you know. Anyway, I rang him and I said, look, I just, it was like I said to him, please forgive me. This is how it came out, it just came out. I said, I don’t know how this is gonna come out and I don’t really know what I am going to say, but I know I need to say it. And I just said it. And you know what he did? I hear, it was that quiet, everything went quiet, silence on the phone.

40:25 and he got angry, right? He reacted and he got angry. And I was able to go, that’s okay, he got angry. If this destroys our relationship, I cannot do anything about that. I had to speak. Yeah. And then, because it also involved another person and stuff as well. So then that conversation had to happen. And then it was all actually okay in the end. I just had to speak.

40:52 And later on, he said to me, like months later, he said to me, he goes, it was like a true miracle. He said to me, I just need to let you know, I was really angry with you when you did that. I said, I know you were. He goes, but you did the right thing, he said to me. Cause it was about the kids. And that was what transformed our relationship. I mean, we’re not.

41:18 best friends or anything like that. But there is such a level of deep respect there now because I was able to really vulnerably expose myself for something I believed in. Yeah. And then it turned out that you both wanted the same thing. You both wanted to protect the kids. But I didn’t react when he reacted. Yeah. Because I was in that space of just, there was, there was just, I was completely laid bare.

41:46 Wow. This is the power of it. Like it’s so powerful. Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much, Fiona. I will be putting some contact details for you with the show notes. It’s the happinesshunter.com, right? The happinesshunter.com, that’s it. And also the happiness hunter podcast as well. Absolutely, yes. If you love podcasts, if you’re listening to this, you’re gonna have to listen to Fiona’s podcast too. And I’ve actually been on your podcast. That’s quite a while ago now.

42:13 Yeah. So thank you so much for joining me on the Resonate podcast today, Fiona. It’s been a pleasure. There’s so much to learn in what you’ve said. Thank you so much. Thank you to the listeners. We love that you listen to us and really appreciate it. And you never know when something that you do in your life and something that you say is going to really transform your relationship with others or help them to learn a new way of communicating as well. So there’s a lot of.

42:41 Hope for the future from that. Always, always, always. But thank you so much for having me. Thank you, Fiona. Bye bye.