Choosing The Right Partner With Amie Leadingham – Episode 50

Welcome to The Resonate Podcast with Aideen! In this episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Amie Leadingham, a certified Master relationship coach. Together, we explored overcoming confidence issues in business and delved into the process of conscious dating, encouraging listeners to find their authentic selves and seek emotional safety in relationships. Amie shared valuable insights on recognizing signs of compatibility, navigating timing in relationships, and helping clients overcome roadblocks in dating and relationships. We also discussed the importance of effective communication, being authentic despite possible rejection, and embracing conflict as a means of growth and resolution. Join us as we uncover strategies for choosing the right partner and fostering fulfilling relationships in your life.

Amie Leadingham is a Master Certified Relationship Coach, published author, wife, and mother of two amazing pugs. Her mission is to help singles find lasting love by conscious dating. Her dedication has led Amie to be named one of LA’s “Best Dating Coaches” by DatingAdvice.com. Amie has been featured in a variety of media outlets, including the CBS Network, Fox 5 News, People Entertainment Weekly, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Oprah Daily, Newsweek, and more.

Connect with Amie:

Website: amiethedatingcoach.com

Facebook: @amieleadingham

Instagram: @amiethedatingcoach

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/amieleadingham

Free Ebook:  Grab Amie’s Free E-Book – 5 Dating Traps to Avoid

00:02 Welcome to the Resonate Podcast with Aideen. I’m Aideen and my guest today is Amy Leadingham. She is a master certified relationship coach, published author, wife and mother of two amazing pugs. Her mission is to help singles find lasting love by conscious dating. Amy has been named one of LA’s best dating coaches by datingadvice.com. And I will admit that I am previous client of Amy.

00:30 And she had helped me greatly at that time, though I didn’t meet the love of my life immediately. You set me up to have much better skills in handling when relationships get a little tricky. So I have to thank you for that, Amy. Thank you. Oh, well, thank you for letting me be on that journey. So I’m so grateful and thanks for having me on. You’re so welcome. Tell us how you got started in dating coaching.

00:58 You know, it started with my tragic story of dating. I was the serial dater. My friends all told me, they’re like, Amy, this is like your second job. You are out there and you’re gonna find your partner. But the problem was I dated and dated and dated and I wasn’t finding my partner. And through years of struggling, I actually realized I needed to do personal development.

01:26 because I hit pretty rock bottom with my ex-boyfriend and I realized, okay, I need to do some self-reflection because my picker is off. And so I did the work and when I returned to dating within about three to four months, I met my husband, or now he’s my husband, but after years of struggling, so then I thought to myself, wow.

01:50 We don’t have to settle with being single or settle for something that’s not right for us. We can actually get what we want. We just need tools. And so that’s how I became a dating coach. I went and got trained and certified and did all the work so that I could help others find love. You’re doing an amazing job at it. Did you have any confidence issues in your own voice on that entrepreneurial journey? Absolutely. I went from…

02:18 a nine to five job where everything was told, here’s what to do, what you’re supposed to present and all that stuff to standing on my own two feet and now I was the person that I was pitching instead of selling a product because I came from corporate sales and it was so emotional.

02:46 I will say your insecurities come out because how do you pitch yourself? How do you talk about yourself in a way that comes off genuine and authentic and not boasting? And we always feel a little bit cringe when we talk about ourselves too much. So yeah, there was a lot of insecurities at first. And also moving on to when I did start getting success and…

03:15 Um, going on interviews and how do I show up as my authentic self and, and not, you know, uh, mess up and say the wrong things. So I got super insecure during those times for sure. Yeah. And you’ve been on TV. You’ve done lots of TV, um, interviews. Um, did you have a strategy that you were using then at that stage that helped you get through it?

03:44 You know, one of the things I reached out to a lot of people that did really well in public speaking. And one of the things they told me to do was outline what I was going to say and repeat it, repeat it,  repeat it, just practice it till it just becomes part of me and then I can just throw it away. And it really did work. But in the beginning, when I first started, I sounded like a robot.

04:14 I was like so uncomfortable with public speaking and it wasn’t my forte. But as you start doing anything repetitively, like riding a bike, it becomes natural and second nature after a while. Yeah. And I bet you’re hoping that you get your clients to a very natural second nature way of handling their dating skills too. Exactly. It’s all practice and repeat.

04:43 Tell us a little bit about the process you take people through. When it comes to dating, I mean, my whole philosophy is we have to, you know, look inward and find what our, say, our message is, what we stand for in life, what matters to us. We need to know some of that before we get up on a stage and sing a song or before we present our business to the world. Is that a similar approach that you can take with something like dating?

05:13 Yeah, so my process is called conscious dating because it is about understanding who you are, what you want, and getting really a clear picture of your ideal partner and relationship. I call it kind of like having a job description before you see the job is available because how are you gonna ask the right questions, connect with the person, and even go deep with the person if you don’t really know yourself or what your ideal partner looks like? Most of the time, we’ll just…

05:42 wing it when it comes to dating. And that’s not enough to go make the relationship, build a connection and deep intimacy. So same as you, it’s really about really getting clear about yourself, your message and what you’re looking for, and then putting it out in the world. And how does someone find that? I mean, a lot of people define themselves based on their…

06:07 Maybe their work or their identity, you know, in terms of their hobbies or we see ourselves through other people’s eyes so much of the time. And sometimes we’re handing over who we are to others. So at what point do we start to kind of go, oh, no, I know this is me. Like, how does someone feel into that? Yeah. So really, it’s about working your non-negotiables, your deal breakers in relationships.

06:37 And these are your core values that you’re born with and you discover them. They’re part of you. The problem is most of us don’t know it. So we kind of morph and market ourselves to fit other people’s narratives so that they’ll like us, but then they don’t really get to see our genuine true self. They don’t get to like us for who we really are. So when we get clear about our own non-negotiables, the things that we need in a relationship in order to make us happy.

07:07 Then we can communicate that to a partner and they can actually learn how to meet our needs. Or if they don’t, we can walk away from the relationship feeling like good that we didn’t connect with that person longer than we did. Yeah. Yeah. It’s interesting because some, some of the listeners might know that Mike and I, we met in Dublin and Ireland in 2008 and broke up for 10 years. And I thought it was it the first time around, but Mike wasn’t ready.

07:36 Um, he came back to me about 10 years later through Facebook messaging. And he sent me this really crazy video about a guy who was doing astral traveling and believed in aliens. And I just said, this is my guy. He’s so crazy weird. He’s going to understand all my crazy weirdness and he’s not going to be complaining about it. And we have this commonality of, you know,

08:03 a little bit of an interest in the woo woo and the spiritual and we now we meditate together. I mean, we have this very deep kind of, you know, philosophical connection that really works. But I remember when he sent that to me, I was like, hmm, this is, this is a good sign. What other things can be good can give you a clue that you’re on the right track with someone that they’re really resonating with who you are?

08:33 my clients check in is do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Because that’s really important. Like you can have common interests in music, you can have common interests in activities like hiking and stuff like that. But when you feel emotionally safe, you’re like genuinely your authentic self. That person is their authentic self and you guys can just be together without feeling

09:02 judgment or criticism, there’s a lot of compassion and acceptance for each other. That’s a really powerful and important non-negotiable that I don’t believe a lot of people look for. They look for what’s good on paper, like how successful the person is, how good looking they are, all of those things. Yeah, I’m not negating that. I’m saying those things are great and important too, you know? But…

09:28 Without emotional safety, you’re not getting your feelings heard and your needs met. Yeah. That’s probably, that’s an important core part of building a relationship. Ah, that’s such an important message. I was, I had a meditation teacher before Mike and I reconnected and he just said, Aideen, look with your heart, not with your eyes. Yes, absolutely. Find that soul connection. Absolutely. Yeah. The funny thing is when Mike and I first met 10 years earlier,

09:58 I knew I felt safe with him, but it wasn’t really the right timing. So sometimes timing is off for one or the other partner. Right. Absolutely. I encounter that with a lot of my clients like we’ll meet. And I say will because I’m going through the journey with them. We’ll meet someone and I’m listening to their stories and I’m like, oh, yeah, this guy sounds great or this this woman sounds great. And then all of a sudden, like there is some drama that’s going on that

10:27 creates conflict. And it’s not that these two people don’t align. It’s that one is ready for commitment and one’s not. And it’s just even going through life challenges, certain things that they’re going through that they’re not truly emotionally available for a relationship yet. And so I really tie that to timing, you know, and life situations, for sure.

10:55 Do you mostly work with clients that are already ready? Or do you find that people also may have their own internal roadblocks that you have to help them overcome to get ready for that relationship? I have, it’s the latter. It’s where they are going through roadblocks, they’re having challenges. They might be ready for commitment, like in the sense of they want a relationship.

11:23 but they’re not emotionally ready or have the skillsets too actually, even if they meant somebody that was perfect for them to keep that relationship going and having it be long lasting. So the work that I do helps them build the skills, learn how to communicate their needs, their boundaries, and learn how to handle conflict when it does arise in a relationship because it will. Yeah.

11:53 Let me ask you, what kind of warning signs should someone look out for? Because I was chatting with a couple of friends just last Thursday about their experiences dating and finding people online. And they were telling me some crazy stories of, you know, meeting people that really, uh, you know, had a really bad background that they didn’t realize when they met them. What are the kind of

12:20 What kind of things do you say to people that help them to filter through that online dating side of things? You know, when it comes to online dating, their profiles, like the person that you’re reading, their profile really matters. If you’re just seeing one or two photos or you’re seeing a bio with nothing written in it, you know, this person isn’t

12:49 hasn’t really made an effort. Maybe they have six pictures, but they’ve written nothing about themselves. So you’re going purely on looks and nothing else, right? But if you actually connect with somebody and look at what they’ve written, and not only written about themselves, but written about what they’re looking for, what kind of values they’re looking for in a partner, it shows that this person has done some thoughtful,

13:18 processes and made sure that they are expressing it on their dating profile, you’re going to get more depth with this type of person. Yeah. So I’m wondering about people’s actual voices. So I teach singing. So I’m always trying to help people to find a way of singing that feels easy and that is expressive.

13:44 Do you work with people on that level as well to help them communicate, you know, through their voice or through, you know, their self-expression in other ways to really reveal who they truly are? Yeah, you know, when it comes to being authentic, that’s my number one process of dating, right? Because I think when we like someone, we tend to morph into something that we’re not, or we tend to people please or be amicable.

14:12 And then we’re afraid to be genuine about our needs or disagreements or anything of that nature. Because what happens is we fear rejection. We fear someone won’t like us for who we are. But to me, your authentic side is the actual way that you attract the right person for you. Because the more genuine you are, the more you voice who you are and what you’re about.

14:39 it’ll make the people that don’t like you go away, which is good. And then the people that are meant to be in your life will be drawn to you because they’re going to like you exactly for who you are. Yeah. I feel like that’s just great life advice, whether you’re for dating or not. I know myself. I worked in the airline industry for quite a while and I didn’t do any singing. And I that’s such a big part of who I am.

15:07 And the voice has been such a big part of my life since then that I realized that being in that job and not having that as part of my life meant that people only got to know part of me. They didn’t really get to know the deeper side of me. Like when I sing, it feels like my, my insides are turned out because it’s really me. Um, so there’s something to that for everybody to

15:35 allow ourselves feel okay with being who we are. Like, and not, I think we do try to over-rationalize maybe even how we feel about things. Oh, I shouldn’t feel this way, it’s making someone else uncomfortable. Or we rationalize, oh, I shouldn’t do this because that doesn’t fit in with how others see me. So that’s actually a huge life skill. That’s a huge, that’s a huge part of becoming mature and building character.

16:04 Yeah, and I think everything you’ve described and, you know, we’ve described, it really equates to being vulnerable. And being, and when we say vulnerable, I’m not saying, oh, a lot of people say, oh, that’s weakness. No, it’s not. It’s actual, actually strength, like to genuinely show up as yourself, even through people’s judgments, people’s, you know,

16:33 criticisms and things of that nature. And you like shedding all of other people’s opinions and standing up as your own. It’s a vulnerable feeling, but it’s also strength and courage. And it allows people to truly get to know your soul. And I know it’s hard for a lot of people, hey, I struggled with it for a really long time, you know? But it’s practice. And the more you do it, again, repetitive practice and you start seeing

17:02 good results from it, then it just validates and confirms, this is how I want to live my life. This is how I want my relationships to be with people. Well, I’d love to share a little bit about something you helped me with, Amy, when we first met. Now, there’s probably more than one thing. And I remember when we did your ideal dating day or your ideal day with your ideal man. I thought that was fabulous. But there was…

17:28 a friend that I was having a problem with when we were working together. And she had basically ghosted me after a disagreement that I didn’t even know what I did wrong. And you had suggested to me that I use a phrase once we got speaking again, which was basically, for the sake of our friendship, would you be willing to keep the lines of communication open, even if we’re having a disagreement of some kind?

17:57 And I felt so empowered by that phrase. Like that actually opened up something in me that made me feel like I am allowed to feel, you know, how I feel and I can do something about how I feel and negotiate the terms of our friendship or communication in a way that matches my values, which would be.

18:25 Let’s respect each other and keep talking through this.

18:30 Absolutely. Conflict. I think people think conflict is a bad word and ugly word. And actually, conflict is beautiful. If you do it in a way that is productive, where both people are being heard and both people are being truthful and authentic about their feelings, and then you can actually come to collaboration, not having conflict at all. And I’ve seen this happen to many couples

19:00 talk about any of their feelings. They don’t fight at all. They don’t, and I’m not saying we want fighting all the time either. I’m saying there’s no conflict at all. And then all of a sudden, five years later, they break up and it comes out of left field and they didn’t even know why. So if there’s no conflict, that means one or the other party is not getting their needs met or voicing their needs, right? And so getting to the place where two people can talk.

19:30 and just listen to understand and not listen to defend, that is truly the key to how both parties come together and create something beautiful instead of, you know, just ending the relationship right away. Yeah. I think we need this in every area of life. People need this in the corporate world, in politics for sure.

19:55 Listen to understand and not defend like that is a beautiful statement. Yeah, it’s such an important statement and it’s hard to do, you know, but you just have to remind yourself because when you listen to understand, you’re listening from a point of empathy. Yeah, yeah, I have a client and recently we were chatting, she didn’t want to do her singing lesson because she was upset.

20:23 And she, I explained to her a phrase that I learned from an ex flatmate of mine. She just said to me one day, hey, that hurt my feelings. And I was like, what?

20:36 So you can say that it in a nice way and not like slam a door or ignore the person. So even being able to say those words, hey, that hurt my feelings. That felt like a huge game changer for me. And I was able to share that with my client. Do you have phrases like that that you have to teach people? What’s your take on it? Absolutely. I think I think that’s the part.

21:04 that most singles that I work with that have a hard time with vulnerability, they cope in so many ways. They armor up, they run away, they fight, flight or freeze. And really, if you get to the root of all the anger, the frustration, and you peel all that back, it’s just, the feelings are hurt. And being able to, that phrase was beautiful, just say, that really, ouch, that really hurt my feelings.

21:34 It kind of sets the tone for the other person to be like, whoa, I have no idea that I hurt your feelings. And to be honest, it is up to us to communicate our needs to our partners, friends, any relationship, because we all are born with different, and raised with different values, outlooks in life. And so what you may consider a boundary that hurts your feelings, right?

22:02 The other person may not get their feelings hurt if somebody did that to them. So they’re clueless unless you say something to them so that they can change their behavior. Yeah. And that’s really where you’re giving the relationship an opportunity to grow. Like with my friend, I said, for the sake of our friendship, will we do this? And she agreed. And I just received a Christmas card from her.

22:28 And we’re still friends, you know, and that could have been… Thank you. Yeah, this is a huge success because I have lost friends in the past, you know, over disagreements or I was a little insensitive. I’ll put my hand up. I have… I’m one of those, you know, direct people that, you know, doesn’t get my feelings hurt easily. So it’s taken me a while to really help to really try to understand those who are more sensitive.

22:58 or to put myself into someone else’s shoes is very difficult because there’s certain things that I would think differently about. So we’re all learning, right? We’re all on a journey. Absolutely, absolutely. Every day life is learning. Yeah, and having a business, I mean, I know with my working with clients, I have had to learn so much so quickly.

23:22 And a lot of the wisdom that I share now is stuff that I really wasn’t good at. Like I can’t say that I came into the world of wise being. I had some very positive traits, but the things that I struggled with are the things that I now help others with. I mean, that’s really both of our journeys, right? Is that we struggled with these things and that’s the beauty of…

23:49 getting onto the other side is like, hey, I’m the messenger. I learned these tools and now I can pass them on to you. Yeah. Yeah. It’s been absolutely amazing to have this. It’s quite a short conversation, but I think there’s so much wisdom in what you’ve talked about. Is there anything in particular you’d like to say to the listeners and anything that you want them to know?

24:17 You know, when it comes to relationships, you know, singles that I work with, one of the things I see that’s a common thread is that they kind of wait to be chosen and they are always like kind of hoping that somebody chooses them and then they’ll have, create the relationship. I want all the singles out there to learn how to be the chooser.

24:43 Just because someone chooses you, someone likes you, they’re good on paper, it doesn’t mean that they’re right for you. You need to learn about yourself, your core values, the things you like, don’t like, so that you can start screening people and you choose people that are meant to be in your life. Don’t let it be the other way around. You’ll have a much more harmonious relationship when you choose what’s right for you.

25:12 When you chose your husband, was there a moment that you knew?

25:19 Yes. Oh my gosh. He was the first guy because I told you I had a bad picker. He was the first guy, number one. I didn’t hyperventilate when he talked about marriage with me. That was a big sign because he was consistent. His actions and words, he always followed through. So I knew that I wasn’t meeting the salesperson, the representative. I was meeting the real person. This is his character. He’s a good person.

25:49 And he meant all my non-negotiables, you know, and you like, okay. Um, and they were consistent for months. So I knew that this is who he was and he wasn’t going to change on me. So that gave you that safety feeling, right? Yeah. It built trust and I felt safe. And he also made me feel very emotionally safe. And that was very important to me. Yeah.

26:15 Well, I’m so happy you found love and that you help others find love. And years after us working together, I found love as well. And I’m just I believe that it’s never too late. I married my husband in my mid 40s. And I think sometimes as we get older, we might not realize that the best has yet to come. Yeah, so it’s never too late. And we all really deserve love.

26:45 And some of us may be in relationships already. Maybe there’s a new negotiation that has to happen. Maybe there is an evolution of your communication style, but there is the potential for a deeper connection and more sweetness in our relationships. I agree completely a hundred percent. Yay. Oh, so great to have you here. I’m going to be sharing your contact details in the show notes.

27:13 and you’re generously giving a copy of your free e-book, Five Dating Traps to Avoid, I believe it is. Yeah. Yes. And so very exciting to get access to that. Amy is an amazing dating coach, amazing relationship coach, I would say. So I’m sure that you occasionally do work with people who are in a relationship that need help in that way also.

27:41 Absolutely. I do work with couples as well. Yeah. And I think that that’s something that more people can maybe be open to. Let’s, let’s keep the guy that we got, you know. So thank you so much, Amy, for being on the Resonate podcast. And thank you to all of our listeners. If you have a question or comment about anything today, please let Amy or myself know, we would love to hear from you and we’ll see you next time on the Resonate podcast.

28:11 Bye bye.